Thursday, July 31, 2003
How To Be Deck: A Flash of the Pants
Alex: “It’s not like making this book is a life.”
Sarah: “Yes it is. We’re helping people!”
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Thank you to “The Hipster Handbook,” the fine folks at Borders, the person who invented the portable CD player, Adam Green (because that’s who Maria listened to while writing most of her chapters), every member of the Strokes and their management and Jack White (Oh yeah, Meg too. She does exist, you know), the fact that Sarah’s neighbor begins to look more and more like Jack White every day, messy rooms, the Coffee Grinder, “The Yellow Dart,” Peter (for being a baby daddy), things that “smell of Hannah,” picking up the piano, finally getting a drum set, looking deck with braces, Lakefront Swimming, Mackinac Island, Zak for meeting us at the Coffee Grinder when we weren’t there, www.musiciansfriend.com, Justin Timberlake (for singing “Rock Your Body”), the Blues Brothers (for making sure Maria grew up deck), Sharin Foo (for not doing back to Denmark), Sune Rose “Sunshine” Wagner (For unknowingly putting up with your nickname), CVS (ConVict Store), MF, the fact that Maria and Alex both have no butt (twins!), unfortunate sandals, kickin’ hi-tops, “hi-tops are chicken,” Mrs. Herd (for being an “awesome” photographer), Mattel, the SMART bus, the Domin family, Michelle Branch’s producer, “Girls Gone Wild” (can you explain that, Sarah???), people who wear sunglasses indoors at night, the Detroit Institute of Arts, citronella candles, growing up in Grosse Pointe and not turning out so badly after all…
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"My friends and I spend every possible moment outside enjoying the beauty of the garden."
-Martha Stewart
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Preface
For starters, it must be said that writing a manual on how to be anything is not deck unless meant in a kitschy sort of way. This book is about being deck, and therefore is deck because it talks about being deck in a kitschy sort of way. I was actually thinking about writing the entire thing in italics* to be ironic.
*Note: Italics are also acceptable if meant to be kitschy. Never take anything seriously written in italics seriously. And yes, these italics are kitschy.
This book was written in a few days by Maria Nuccilli, Alex Glendening, and Sarah Domin after Maria decided to create a pamphlet on being deck to pass out to awkward middle school kids who think that pull-over fleeces from Moosejaw are crucial to their survival because after all, she and Alex used to be like that (this shirt smells like depression)—she doesn’t know if Sarah was like that in middle school, saying how she didn’t know her—and look how coo- er, I mean- deck they are now! Wow, that was a long sentence.
Anyway, the ideas for pamphlets grew and grew, and after a brief period of anxiety at Sarah’s house which involved lots of flinching and Maria breathing down Alex’s neck, they got their acts together.
And what resulted was this roller coaster ride I couldn’t put down. Well, my mom thought it was pretty clever. And she’s pretty deck.
I’d say “Happy Reading” right now but that’s generally considered to be pretty fin.
-maria.*
*Note: Spelling your name in lower case letters like e. e. cummings is deck.
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Chapter 1: Learning the Ropes (With your Dick Tracy lunch box, of course)
I have found this chapter to be the easiest to explain using a question/answer format made possible by the non-existent youth of America’s fine, fine questions.
Dear Maria,
What is this “deck” word and why does it make me feel so lame?
Word up,
Chad Martin
Ah, Chad Martin. Poor, simple Chad Martin. Too bad you don’t exist. Because if you did I would take you under my deck wing, guiding you carefully and infusing you with the knowledge of all things hip. On any normal day, I would not have enough energy to answer your question because as a hipster, I posses only 2 percent body fat. But Alex and I were depressed yesterday because we couldn’t find my dad’s amp that he lent to Bob Seger in the 60s, so we ate lots of puffed Cheetos and M&Ms (resulting in endless bounds of nutrition, health, and, of course, energy).
First of all, “deck” isn’t just a word. It’s a state of mind. Deck people don’t use the word “lame.” The word “lame” is for the middle-aged people going through their midlife crisis and people living in Miami. Miami is not deck. People in Miami think their hair looks best when styled with a blow dryer and wear gold jewelry with pastel clothing, neither of which are acceptable in the quest to be deck.
The word deck simply means “cool.” Deck things are things that are deemed “cool” by the cool. Now, I don’t mean “cool” as in that Abercrombie and Fitch-wearing hair-tosser that sits in front of you in science class. Oh no. Deck people don’t look hang out at Applebee’s on Friday nights with the rest of the “gang.” They don’t look forward to clash day during spirit week (though it would be acceptable to wear clashing clothes a day late on “Dress For Success” day to be ironic). And they never use phrases like “word up.”
Chad Martin, if you want to be deck, I say you start now, because it looks like you have quite a job ahead of you.
Dear Maria,
My brother Brian always says that I’m a pansy because I like to listen to bands like Yo La Tango and Sonic Youth, while he prefers the musical stylings of Limp Bizkit and Linkin Park. He’s not deck— is he?
-Donovan
Fear not, young Donovan. Your brother is no hipster. I mean, can you really trust a person who listens to Limp Bizkit and Linkin Park? I bet your brother wears a pink terry cloth hat. First of all, those so-called bands can’t even spell their own names, and all hipsters know that being intellectual is deck. Plus, they take themselves way too seriously. I think a quote from Electric 6 (who are very deck in a kitschy sort of way) member Disco explains it best: “We don’t consider ourselves musicians. We’re just doing our job.”
Plus, your brother’s name is Brian. Scientific evidence shows that no one deck has been born since Brian and Bryan of Roxy Music.
Donovan, my friend, I do believe you are well on your way to being a hipster. Especially since your name is Donovan. Once I had a conversation with Alex, in which he said, “What about that guy in the Strokes who never talks? Isn’t his name Donovan?” Well, Alex was wrong, because that guy in the Strokes who never talks happens to be my favorite member, Nikolai Fraiture. I heart Niko. Curse you, Alex.
Anyway, at that moment I decided that I would name my first-born son Donovan. And since I am deck and admire the name Donovan (even if for kitschy reasons) you are deck too.
And for future needs, remember that if you have to question a person’s deck-ness, it’s probably not even worth questioning.
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Chapter 2: Living the Dream (But only after a trip to your local thrift store)
In order be deck, one must first play the part. This is easier and cheaper than one might think. Thrift stores are a priceless resource for the hipster elite. Anything and everything ever needed, other than music, can be found at the local St. Vincent’s or Salvation Army. This brings us to the three most important rules of deck dress.
1. Never wear anything new.*
Old t-shirts with funny slogans such as “Great Grandpa” and faded Izod Lacoste polo shirts are easy to come by—for less than five bucks, one can find a deck shirt for every day of the week. The same can be said for pants and shorts. For girls, skirts and aprons over pants are always deck. Hey, I did it in preschool (and I also liked the Backstreet Boys when they were underground—so there!). Also, try to find some cool old shoes while you are at the thrift store. Pumas, Converse All-Stars, and black t-strap dress shoes are all deck, even if they happen to be new. Just be sure to wear them out within reason before venturing out with your new deck persona. The last thing you want to do is end up looking like a complete fool wearing a pair of factory sealed Nike’s with your newly acquired hipster gear.
*Note: For guys and girls, new women’s Gap jeans are tres acceptable. The same goes for new clothing acquired at Army/Navy surplus stores and deck boutiques.
2. The tighter the t-shirt the better.*
One of the most important parts of looking like a true hipster is the fit of your old clothes. Guys, just remember this when it comes to t-shirts: “if it feels too tight, then it’s probably just right.” Because if your brightly colored golf shirt is a little too loose or you’re pushing a shopping cart in downtown Detroit wearing a stained trench coat, you are running a risk of being mistaken for “Tommy the homeless crack addict” when you really were aiming to be mistaken for the former bass player of Sunny Day Real Estate.
Pants should also be chosen carefully. Worn straight leg and boot cut jeans are always acceptable and should be worn regularly. Vintage Levis are deck, especially when worn by every member of the Strokes. Used dress pants are also deck when worn with casual clothing. Baggy, “gangsta rap” type jeans and mesh gym shorts are not deck. They are for guys that think Ja Rule and girls who adorn their necks with body glitter are cool.
*Note: This rule, though applying to the female gender, does not advocate the wearing of such garments as tight “baby tees” and shirts that could be described as having “plunging v-necks.” Those shirts are for people who think Ja Rule and adorning their necks with body glitter is cool.
3. Stop combing your hair.*
The shaggier your hair the better off you will be as hipster. However, this does not mean that you should stop cutting your hair altogether. Guys shouldn’t venture growing their hair past a decent mop top— otherwise they’ll run risk looking like a mullet-wearing NASCAR fan from Ypsilanti who can’t afford a commemorative plate of Dale Earnhardt and his mamma. Girls can get away with brushing their hair, just as long as they do not get in the habit of doing it in public places. Doing one’s makeup or hair in public is never deck.
*Note: Combing ones hair and proceeding to tousle it, creating a hairstyle similar to that of Julian Casablancas of the Strokes is deck, just as long as no one sees one fussing with one’s hair. Actually, I’m not sure why I wasted my time writing all of this. For a guide to looking deck, all you need to do is go to your local magazine rack and find a picture of the Strokes in a copy of NME, the best trashy British music magazine ever. It’s easier and doesn’t make your eyes hurt as much as reading my in-depth explanation.
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Chapter 4: Eating Cake is Deck (Especially when it’s frozen)
When one is in a situation with deck people where dining will be involved, it is crucial that they are aware of what to order. Food can be chosen to impress acquaintances, convey a certain mood to one’s guests, or promote a political cause. It can also be chosen to match one’s outfit.
Restaurants that are not deck:
1. Bob Evans
2. Big Boy’s
3. Applebee’s
4. TGI Fridays
5. Red Lobster
6. Shoney’s
7. Planet Hollywood
8. Anything in Downtown Disney
9. McDonald’s*
10. Sign of the Beefcarver
*Wendy’s is deck.
Food that is not deck:
1. Twinkies
2. Kentucky Fried Chicken biscuits
3. JELL-O
4. Anything involving casserole
5. Diet Beverages
6. Chipped Beef on Toast
7. Creamed Corn
8. TV Dinners
9. Holiday-themed dessert
10. Bananas
In order to promote a deck lifestyle, a sense of irony is crucial. When used with kitschy intentions, anything that was once deemed “un-deck” or “fin” is now deck. Birthday parties at Big Boy’s can be deck in a kitschy sort of way. Eating Twinkies and tuna casserole at a kitschy dinner party in which checkered table clothes are used in an ironic way is deck.
Restaurants Visited For Ironic Purposes:
1. Bob Evans
2. Big Boy’s
3. Applebee’s
4. TGI Fridays
5. Red Lobster
6. Shoney’s
7. Planet Hollywood
8. Anything in Downtown Disney
9. McDonald’s
10. Sign of the Beef Carver
Food Eaten For Ironic Purposes:
1. Twinkies
2. Kentucky Fried Chicken biscuits
3. JELL-O
4. Anything involving casserole
5. Diet Beverages
6. Chipped Beef on Toast
7. Creamed Corn
8. TV Dinners
9. Holiday-themed dessert
10. Bananas
Generally speaking, vegetarianism is deck, just as long as a participant does not become too involved in the lives of fuzzy little creatures or aquatic animals. “Save the Whales” buttons are for people named Heather who enjoy making hemp bracelets.
Beverages should also be chosen wisely. Black coffee is deck, except when purchased at Starbucks. Remember this kids: a corporation cannot love. Iced tea is also acceptable, except the kind that comes in cans at your high school’s overpriced vending machine. Arizona Iced tea is for people that wear white terrycloth pullovers in hope of being named “Best Dressed” in their high school’s superlative elections.
But because many teenagers feel like pansies while drinking iced tea, and have a low tolerance for coffee, a time comes when a deck carbonated beverage must be chosen. Sprite? Coke? Mountain Dew? While all of these brands are enjoyed nation-wide, they are viewed by those of the deck variety as unsuitable thirst quenchers. Here’s some advice. From now on, when choosing carbonated beverages, follow the same advice given for choosing coffee: a corporation cannot love. Which is why deck people like myself drink Jones Soda.
There are two types of Jones Soda drinkers: (1) Those who drink Jones Soda to make friends and influence people (2) Those who drink Jones Soda.
(1) Those who drink Jones Soda to make friends and influence people are generally poseurs.* They frequent Borders wearing Radiohead t-shirts to fit in, and generally scorn all those who wear Converse All-Stars, tossing their hair all the while.
Sarah had an experience with a person like this. One day, she came into geometry class wearing her brand-new Converse All-Stars. Ma— er— I mean “Bob,” said, “Gee, Sarah, you used to be such an independent thinker. But now you have… those shoes.” Turns out that “Bob” was planning on asking Sarah out. Thankfully, she got “those shoes” and managed to avoid any future romantic endeavors with him.
I’m not really sure if “Bob” drinks Jones Soda or not. But if he does, he falls under the first category.
*Note: It’s deck to spell “poser” with a “u,” making is “poseur.” If you don’t spell “poseur” with a “u” and you use the word to describe a person who is not deck, you are not deck either and should watch your back, especially when enjoying the company of those of the deck variety.
(2) Those who drink Jones Soda are generally deck like me. They pride themselves on knowing where to find the best Jones deals in town (Oxford Beverage on Mack) and never buy it at Borders.
But not just any bum off the streets can pick up a Jones Soda bottle and ascend to a newfound deck-ness. They first must learn how to assume the proper stance, which is key in maintaining a social standing with those of the deck variety.
How to assume the proper Jones Soda stance:-Supplies-
1. A large brick wall, preferably next to a deck indie rock record store
2. 2 bottles of Jones Soda
3. 1 pair of sunglasses, preferably not Oaklies (optional—use only if you have trouble keeping a straight face)
4. A friend to assume the stance next to you
Grasping your Jones Soda bottle ever so casually in your right hand, lean up against a large brick wall. If you are to the left of your friend, tilt your head to the right. If you are to the right of your friend, tilt your head to the left. Remember to stare intently at something, be it the person you are with or the parking meter in front of you.
This is where the sunglasses come in. One person should be wearing them, because staring intently at one person for the amount of time it takes to make an impact of the non-believers around you can be difficult even for the most seasoned hipster, especially if that person is staring at you.
Before I began using sunglasses while assuming the Jones Soda stance, my friends and I would continually burst out into fits of giggles, as a result of seeing the irony in what we were doing. The last thing you want to do while assuming the Jones Soda stance is crack a smile. Smiling while holding a beverage is for late night talk show hosts like Jay Leno. Jay Leno is not deck. It is my personal belief that NBC should cancel Jay Leno’s show and give Conan* 2 hours.
*Note: The Late Night with Conan O’Brien is deck. This is because Conan O’Brien is deck. If you do not think Conan O’Brien is deck, you are not deck either and probably enjoy watching TV shows that star Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen like “Two of a Kind” on ABC Family.
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Chapter 3: Listening to what you dream of being (with your arms folded)
An important part of the long road to being deck is the music. One must have a wide range of musical tastes, as long as the said taste is in the indie genre. Such tastes may include artists that non-believers* have heard of, as long as the popular artists are enjoyed in a kitschy fashion.
*Note: Non-believers are that of the non-deck clan; they enjoy family outings to Disney world, and eating poppers at TGI Fridays. Deck people know how to tie ties.
First, one must have a selection of music that adequately supports originality and one’s own opinion. So, therefore, one may only listen to the following:
1. Radiohead. Sure, these days Radiohead is always the talk of the town-- they have substance and are actually worth a listen. Kind of like the popular kid that really isn’t as bad as he and his Moosejaw polar fleece led you to believe he was. Although, one may only listen to three songs off of their first album. All other albums you may listen to the entire way through.
2. The Strokes. Just kidding. One just has to have a crush on every member in the band. And their management.
3. The Beatles. No. The Beatles are not lite rock. Nor are they classic rock. They are Rock ‘n Roll and are not crap. Saying the Beatles are crap is midtown. Only owning “1” is also midtown. Calling Paul McCartney a tool is deck.
4. The White Stripes. Jack White’s piercing vocals should already be a familiar sound to one’s ears. And who could resist a person obviously inflicted with attention deficit disorder (what, with his obsession with the color red, the number 3, and monkeys) turned indie-rock legend? Oh, yeah, Meg White exists, too.
5. The Chocolate Light Switch. What? You’ve never heard of them? You, sir, are no sort of deck, sir. They are so great, one must only talk about them with a British accent.
6. The Electric 6. The Electric 6 *agrees that “The Electric 5” is the worst band name in existence. If one does not have an appreciation for anti-war related messages cleverly hidden in the depths of humorous, Disco-punk songs such as “Gay Bar,” then one is not a friend of the Deck community.
*Note: Maria would like to add the there is no "the" in Electric 6's name. Alex was wrong. Ha.
Well, that just about covers it. Oh. Wait. One must also appreciate the fact that Tom Wait’s voice is good, despite its similarity to that of the cookie monster’s. One may think he is a great poet (which he is), but some people may argue that he’s just a drunk telling his sad, sad story.
After reading that, rush out to your local record store and purchase everything ever by all of the bands listed. While doing so, remember to spout out facts you know about the bands you are looking for, as well as other band’s as you spot their records. Also, ask them what band is playing every time they switch the album, even if you know who the band is. Do not worry, that look of disgust they give you is not a sign that you irk them. They really like you and appreciate you showing off how much you like music to the whole world.
Then, after one has memorized every facet of those albums, it’s time to see the band live. Calling a show a “concert” is not deck. Concerts are for 12-year-old girls going to see a boy band at the Palace of Auburn Hills. When one gets to the indie club location, it is most convenient to push one’s way to the front and stand with arms folded for the rest of the night. This lets the crowd around you realized how truly deck you are. One is not allowed to bob along with the music, or, dare I say, head bang. Unless, the head banging is in a kitschy sort of way, or one is wearing a Wonder Bread t-shirt.
If one applies to the head banging criteria, it is important to make sure that you piss off at least three people. One of these pissed off three people should then go to a message board* that the one head banging frequents and talk about how he or she is a douche bag.
*Note: Before going to the message board, one must first make a screen name to identify one’s self, enclosing the chosen screen name in quotation marks (“____ ”).
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Chapter 5: I Ride the Greyhound Bus (I Ride It Everywhere)
Deck people have 3 modes of transportation: bicycles, automobiles, and mass transit systems.
Bicycles can be rode for purposes other that leisure by everyone from adolescents to people in their late 20s.* A 35-year-old that rides their bike to work every morning and occasionally walks inside his place or her place of employment with his or her helmet still tightly fastened is not deck. Bikes with baskets are deck.
*Note: An exception to this age requirement was my seventh grade social studies teacher, Rufus. Rufus is deck.
Automobiles are another popular way of transportation, though ever risky.
While those of the deck variety tend to favor Volvos, Vespas, and Volkswagens, any car brand that begins with the letter “v” or is not currently popular with the mainstream will do.
When considering a vehicle to purchase, one must make sure that it does not have any “sporty stripes” or extra painted “embellishments” on the sides. These are tacky, and should only appeal to rednecks living in Ypsilanti. Hanging fuzzy dice from your mirror, though slightly tacky, can be hip in a kitschy sort of way. The same thing goes for ironic bumper stickers.
*Note: Vanity plates are a touchy subject with the deck community. Getting a vanity plate that bares an expression like “Baby Gur1” or “No. 1” is generally considered to be pretty fin. So be careful. It’s a harsh world out there.
The last thing you want to do is pull up at your local indie venue in your parent’s mini van, SUV, or Lexus* product, which is why many adolescents opt to use mass transit when available.
*Note: SUVs are only acceptable at concerts featuring jam bands like O.A.R. and Dave Matthews. Jam bands are not deck— therefore, neither are SUVs. Lexus products are only acceptable if your name is Alexis, and even then it is only deck in a kitschy sort of way.
Mass transit can be deck. Choosing to use the bus or subway when you have enough money to own your own car is deck for two reasons: (1) A successful person who opts for mass transit is obviously humble about their success, which is deck. Though bragging about most other things like your knowledge of obscure indie bands and collection of ABBA vinyl can be deck, flaunting one’s success is generally considered to be pretty fin. (2) It gives one the opportunity to show off their deck outfits to those who might not otherwise be exposed to such culture. Smart Bus schedules must be carried with on at all times when one knows that they will be taking the Smart Bus. One must get these schedules from the pamphlet case on the actual Smart Bus. Smart Bus schedules printed off the Smart Bus website are generally pretty fin.
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More to come...
Alex: “It’s not like making this book is a life.”
Sarah: “Yes it is. We’re helping people!”
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Thank you to “The Hipster Handbook,” the fine folks at Borders, the person who invented the portable CD player, Adam Green (because that’s who Maria listened to while writing most of her chapters), every member of the Strokes and their management and Jack White (Oh yeah, Meg too. She does exist, you know), the fact that Sarah’s neighbor begins to look more and more like Jack White every day, messy rooms, the Coffee Grinder, “The Yellow Dart,” Peter (for being a baby daddy), things that “smell of Hannah,” picking up the piano, finally getting a drum set, looking deck with braces, Lakefront Swimming, Mackinac Island, Zak for meeting us at the Coffee Grinder when we weren’t there, www.musiciansfriend.com, Justin Timberlake (for singing “Rock Your Body”), the Blues Brothers (for making sure Maria grew up deck), Sharin Foo (for not doing back to Denmark), Sune Rose “Sunshine” Wagner (For unknowingly putting up with your nickname), CVS (ConVict Store), MF, the fact that Maria and Alex both have no butt (twins!), unfortunate sandals, kickin’ hi-tops, “hi-tops are chicken,” Mrs. Herd (for being an “awesome” photographer), Mattel, the SMART bus, the Domin family, Michelle Branch’s producer, “Girls Gone Wild” (can you explain that, Sarah???), people who wear sunglasses indoors at night, the Detroit Institute of Arts, citronella candles, growing up in Grosse Pointe and not turning out so badly after all…
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"My friends and I spend every possible moment outside enjoying the beauty of the garden."
-Martha Stewart
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Preface
For starters, it must be said that writing a manual on how to be anything is not deck unless meant in a kitschy sort of way. This book is about being deck, and therefore is deck because it talks about being deck in a kitschy sort of way. I was actually thinking about writing the entire thing in italics* to be ironic.
*Note: Italics are also acceptable if meant to be kitschy. Never take anything seriously written in italics seriously. And yes, these italics are kitschy.
This book was written in a few days by Maria Nuccilli, Alex Glendening, and Sarah Domin after Maria decided to create a pamphlet on being deck to pass out to awkward middle school kids who think that pull-over fleeces from Moosejaw are crucial to their survival because after all, she and Alex used to be like that (this shirt smells like depression)—she doesn’t know if Sarah was like that in middle school, saying how she didn’t know her—and look how coo- er, I mean- deck they are now! Wow, that was a long sentence.
Anyway, the ideas for pamphlets grew and grew, and after a brief period of anxiety at Sarah’s house which involved lots of flinching and Maria breathing down Alex’s neck, they got their acts together.
And what resulted was this roller coaster ride I couldn’t put down. Well, my mom thought it was pretty clever. And she’s pretty deck.
I’d say “Happy Reading” right now but that’s generally considered to be pretty fin.
-maria.*
*Note: Spelling your name in lower case letters like e. e. cummings is deck.
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Chapter 1: Learning the Ropes (With your Dick Tracy lunch box, of course)
I have found this chapter to be the easiest to explain using a question/answer format made possible by the non-existent youth of America’s fine, fine questions.
Dear Maria,
What is this “deck” word and why does it make me feel so lame?
Word up,
Chad Martin
Ah, Chad Martin. Poor, simple Chad Martin. Too bad you don’t exist. Because if you did I would take you under my deck wing, guiding you carefully and infusing you with the knowledge of all things hip. On any normal day, I would not have enough energy to answer your question because as a hipster, I posses only 2 percent body fat. But Alex and I were depressed yesterday because we couldn’t find my dad’s amp that he lent to Bob Seger in the 60s, so we ate lots of puffed Cheetos and M&Ms (resulting in endless bounds of nutrition, health, and, of course, energy).
First of all, “deck” isn’t just a word. It’s a state of mind. Deck people don’t use the word “lame.” The word “lame” is for the middle-aged people going through their midlife crisis and people living in Miami. Miami is not deck. People in Miami think their hair looks best when styled with a blow dryer and wear gold jewelry with pastel clothing, neither of which are acceptable in the quest to be deck.
The word deck simply means “cool.” Deck things are things that are deemed “cool” by the cool. Now, I don’t mean “cool” as in that Abercrombie and Fitch-wearing hair-tosser that sits in front of you in science class. Oh no. Deck people don’t look hang out at Applebee’s on Friday nights with the rest of the “gang.” They don’t look forward to clash day during spirit week (though it would be acceptable to wear clashing clothes a day late on “Dress For Success” day to be ironic). And they never use phrases like “word up.”
Chad Martin, if you want to be deck, I say you start now, because it looks like you have quite a job ahead of you.
Dear Maria,
My brother Brian always says that I’m a pansy because I like to listen to bands like Yo La Tango and Sonic Youth, while he prefers the musical stylings of Limp Bizkit and Linkin Park. He’s not deck— is he?
-Donovan
Fear not, young Donovan. Your brother is no hipster. I mean, can you really trust a person who listens to Limp Bizkit and Linkin Park? I bet your brother wears a pink terry cloth hat. First of all, those so-called bands can’t even spell their own names, and all hipsters know that being intellectual is deck. Plus, they take themselves way too seriously. I think a quote from Electric 6 (who are very deck in a kitschy sort of way) member Disco explains it best: “We don’t consider ourselves musicians. We’re just doing our job.”
Plus, your brother’s name is Brian. Scientific evidence shows that no one deck has been born since Brian and Bryan of Roxy Music.
Donovan, my friend, I do believe you are well on your way to being a hipster. Especially since your name is Donovan. Once I had a conversation with Alex, in which he said, “What about that guy in the Strokes who never talks? Isn’t his name Donovan?” Well, Alex was wrong, because that guy in the Strokes who never talks happens to be my favorite member, Nikolai Fraiture. I heart Niko. Curse you, Alex.
Anyway, at that moment I decided that I would name my first-born son Donovan. And since I am deck and admire the name Donovan (even if for kitschy reasons) you are deck too.
And for future needs, remember that if you have to question a person’s deck-ness, it’s probably not even worth questioning.
********
Chapter 2: Living the Dream (But only after a trip to your local thrift store)
In order be deck, one must first play the part. This is easier and cheaper than one might think. Thrift stores are a priceless resource for the hipster elite. Anything and everything ever needed, other than music, can be found at the local St. Vincent’s or Salvation Army. This brings us to the three most important rules of deck dress.
1. Never wear anything new.*
Old t-shirts with funny slogans such as “Great Grandpa” and faded Izod Lacoste polo shirts are easy to come by—for less than five bucks, one can find a deck shirt for every day of the week. The same can be said for pants and shorts. For girls, skirts and aprons over pants are always deck. Hey, I did it in preschool (and I also liked the Backstreet Boys when they were underground—so there!). Also, try to find some cool old shoes while you are at the thrift store. Pumas, Converse All-Stars, and black t-strap dress shoes are all deck, even if they happen to be new. Just be sure to wear them out within reason before venturing out with your new deck persona. The last thing you want to do is end up looking like a complete fool wearing a pair of factory sealed Nike’s with your newly acquired hipster gear.
*Note: For guys and girls, new women’s Gap jeans are tres acceptable. The same goes for new clothing acquired at Army/Navy surplus stores and deck boutiques.
2. The tighter the t-shirt the better.*
One of the most important parts of looking like a true hipster is the fit of your old clothes. Guys, just remember this when it comes to t-shirts: “if it feels too tight, then it’s probably just right.” Because if your brightly colored golf shirt is a little too loose or you’re pushing a shopping cart in downtown Detroit wearing a stained trench coat, you are running a risk of being mistaken for “Tommy the homeless crack addict” when you really were aiming to be mistaken for the former bass player of Sunny Day Real Estate.
Pants should also be chosen carefully. Worn straight leg and boot cut jeans are always acceptable and should be worn regularly. Vintage Levis are deck, especially when worn by every member of the Strokes. Used dress pants are also deck when worn with casual clothing. Baggy, “gangsta rap” type jeans and mesh gym shorts are not deck. They are for guys that think Ja Rule and girls who adorn their necks with body glitter are cool.
*Note: This rule, though applying to the female gender, does not advocate the wearing of such garments as tight “baby tees” and shirts that could be described as having “plunging v-necks.” Those shirts are for people who think Ja Rule and adorning their necks with body glitter is cool.
3. Stop combing your hair.*
The shaggier your hair the better off you will be as hipster. However, this does not mean that you should stop cutting your hair altogether. Guys shouldn’t venture growing their hair past a decent mop top— otherwise they’ll run risk looking like a mullet-wearing NASCAR fan from Ypsilanti who can’t afford a commemorative plate of Dale Earnhardt and his mamma. Girls can get away with brushing their hair, just as long as they do not get in the habit of doing it in public places. Doing one’s makeup or hair in public is never deck.
*Note: Combing ones hair and proceeding to tousle it, creating a hairstyle similar to that of Julian Casablancas of the Strokes is deck, just as long as no one sees one fussing with one’s hair. Actually, I’m not sure why I wasted my time writing all of this. For a guide to looking deck, all you need to do is go to your local magazine rack and find a picture of the Strokes in a copy of NME, the best trashy British music magazine ever. It’s easier and doesn’t make your eyes hurt as much as reading my in-depth explanation.
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Chapter 4: Eating Cake is Deck (Especially when it’s frozen)
When one is in a situation with deck people where dining will be involved, it is crucial that they are aware of what to order. Food can be chosen to impress acquaintances, convey a certain mood to one’s guests, or promote a political cause. It can also be chosen to match one’s outfit.
Restaurants that are not deck:
1. Bob Evans
2. Big Boy’s
3. Applebee’s
4. TGI Fridays
5. Red Lobster
6. Shoney’s
7. Planet Hollywood
8. Anything in Downtown Disney
9. McDonald’s*
10. Sign of the Beefcarver
*Wendy’s is deck.
Food that is not deck:
1. Twinkies
2. Kentucky Fried Chicken biscuits
3. JELL-O
4. Anything involving casserole
5. Diet Beverages
6. Chipped Beef on Toast
7. Creamed Corn
8. TV Dinners
9. Holiday-themed dessert
10. Bananas
In order to promote a deck lifestyle, a sense of irony is crucial. When used with kitschy intentions, anything that was once deemed “un-deck” or “fin” is now deck. Birthday parties at Big Boy’s can be deck in a kitschy sort of way. Eating Twinkies and tuna casserole at a kitschy dinner party in which checkered table clothes are used in an ironic way is deck.
Restaurants Visited For Ironic Purposes:
1. Bob Evans
2. Big Boy’s
3. Applebee’s
4. TGI Fridays
5. Red Lobster
6. Shoney’s
7. Planet Hollywood
8. Anything in Downtown Disney
9. McDonald’s
10. Sign of the Beef Carver
Food Eaten For Ironic Purposes:
1. Twinkies
2. Kentucky Fried Chicken biscuits
3. JELL-O
4. Anything involving casserole
5. Diet Beverages
6. Chipped Beef on Toast
7. Creamed Corn
8. TV Dinners
9. Holiday-themed dessert
10. Bananas
Generally speaking, vegetarianism is deck, just as long as a participant does not become too involved in the lives of fuzzy little creatures or aquatic animals. “Save the Whales” buttons are for people named Heather who enjoy making hemp bracelets.
Beverages should also be chosen wisely. Black coffee is deck, except when purchased at Starbucks. Remember this kids: a corporation cannot love. Iced tea is also acceptable, except the kind that comes in cans at your high school’s overpriced vending machine. Arizona Iced tea is for people that wear white terrycloth pullovers in hope of being named “Best Dressed” in their high school’s superlative elections.
But because many teenagers feel like pansies while drinking iced tea, and have a low tolerance for coffee, a time comes when a deck carbonated beverage must be chosen. Sprite? Coke? Mountain Dew? While all of these brands are enjoyed nation-wide, they are viewed by those of the deck variety as unsuitable thirst quenchers. Here’s some advice. From now on, when choosing carbonated beverages, follow the same advice given for choosing coffee: a corporation cannot love. Which is why deck people like myself drink Jones Soda.
There are two types of Jones Soda drinkers: (1) Those who drink Jones Soda to make friends and influence people (2) Those who drink Jones Soda.
(1) Those who drink Jones Soda to make friends and influence people are generally poseurs.* They frequent Borders wearing Radiohead t-shirts to fit in, and generally scorn all those who wear Converse All-Stars, tossing their hair all the while.
Sarah had an experience with a person like this. One day, she came into geometry class wearing her brand-new Converse All-Stars. Ma— er— I mean “Bob,” said, “Gee, Sarah, you used to be such an independent thinker. But now you have… those shoes.” Turns out that “Bob” was planning on asking Sarah out. Thankfully, she got “those shoes” and managed to avoid any future romantic endeavors with him.
I’m not really sure if “Bob” drinks Jones Soda or not. But if he does, he falls under the first category.
*Note: It’s deck to spell “poser” with a “u,” making is “poseur.” If you don’t spell “poseur” with a “u” and you use the word to describe a person who is not deck, you are not deck either and should watch your back, especially when enjoying the company of those of the deck variety.
(2) Those who drink Jones Soda are generally deck like me. They pride themselves on knowing where to find the best Jones deals in town (Oxford Beverage on Mack) and never buy it at Borders.
But not just any bum off the streets can pick up a Jones Soda bottle and ascend to a newfound deck-ness. They first must learn how to assume the proper stance, which is key in maintaining a social standing with those of the deck variety.
How to assume the proper Jones Soda stance:-Supplies-
1. A large brick wall, preferably next to a deck indie rock record store
2. 2 bottles of Jones Soda
3. 1 pair of sunglasses, preferably not Oaklies (optional—use only if you have trouble keeping a straight face)
4. A friend to assume the stance next to you
Grasping your Jones Soda bottle ever so casually in your right hand, lean up against a large brick wall. If you are to the left of your friend, tilt your head to the right. If you are to the right of your friend, tilt your head to the left. Remember to stare intently at something, be it the person you are with or the parking meter in front of you.
This is where the sunglasses come in. One person should be wearing them, because staring intently at one person for the amount of time it takes to make an impact of the non-believers around you can be difficult even for the most seasoned hipster, especially if that person is staring at you.
Before I began using sunglasses while assuming the Jones Soda stance, my friends and I would continually burst out into fits of giggles, as a result of seeing the irony in what we were doing. The last thing you want to do while assuming the Jones Soda stance is crack a smile. Smiling while holding a beverage is for late night talk show hosts like Jay Leno. Jay Leno is not deck. It is my personal belief that NBC should cancel Jay Leno’s show and give Conan* 2 hours.
*Note: The Late Night with Conan O’Brien is deck. This is because Conan O’Brien is deck. If you do not think Conan O’Brien is deck, you are not deck either and probably enjoy watching TV shows that star Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen like “Two of a Kind” on ABC Family.
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Chapter 3: Listening to what you dream of being (with your arms folded)
An important part of the long road to being deck is the music. One must have a wide range of musical tastes, as long as the said taste is in the indie genre. Such tastes may include artists that non-believers* have heard of, as long as the popular artists are enjoyed in a kitschy fashion.
*Note: Non-believers are that of the non-deck clan; they enjoy family outings to Disney world, and eating poppers at TGI Fridays. Deck people know how to tie ties.
First, one must have a selection of music that adequately supports originality and one’s own opinion. So, therefore, one may only listen to the following:
1. Radiohead. Sure, these days Radiohead is always the talk of the town-- they have substance and are actually worth a listen. Kind of like the popular kid that really isn’t as bad as he and his Moosejaw polar fleece led you to believe he was. Although, one may only listen to three songs off of their first album. All other albums you may listen to the entire way through.
2. The Strokes. Just kidding. One just has to have a crush on every member in the band. And their management.
3. The Beatles. No. The Beatles are not lite rock. Nor are they classic rock. They are Rock ‘n Roll and are not crap. Saying the Beatles are crap is midtown. Only owning “1” is also midtown. Calling Paul McCartney a tool is deck.
4. The White Stripes. Jack White’s piercing vocals should already be a familiar sound to one’s ears. And who could resist a person obviously inflicted with attention deficit disorder (what, with his obsession with the color red, the number 3, and monkeys) turned indie-rock legend? Oh, yeah, Meg White exists, too.
5. The Chocolate Light Switch. What? You’ve never heard of them? You, sir, are no sort of deck, sir. They are so great, one must only talk about them with a British accent.
6. The Electric 6. The Electric 6 *agrees that “The Electric 5” is the worst band name in existence. If one does not have an appreciation for anti-war related messages cleverly hidden in the depths of humorous, Disco-punk songs such as “Gay Bar,” then one is not a friend of the Deck community.
*Note: Maria would like to add the there is no "the" in Electric 6's name. Alex was wrong. Ha.
Well, that just about covers it. Oh. Wait. One must also appreciate the fact that Tom Wait’s voice is good, despite its similarity to that of the cookie monster’s. One may think he is a great poet (which he is), but some people may argue that he’s just a drunk telling his sad, sad story.
After reading that, rush out to your local record store and purchase everything ever by all of the bands listed. While doing so, remember to spout out facts you know about the bands you are looking for, as well as other band’s as you spot their records. Also, ask them what band is playing every time they switch the album, even if you know who the band is. Do not worry, that look of disgust they give you is not a sign that you irk them. They really like you and appreciate you showing off how much you like music to the whole world.
Then, after one has memorized every facet of those albums, it’s time to see the band live. Calling a show a “concert” is not deck. Concerts are for 12-year-old girls going to see a boy band at the Palace of Auburn Hills. When one gets to the indie club location, it is most convenient to push one’s way to the front and stand with arms folded for the rest of the night. This lets the crowd around you realized how truly deck you are. One is not allowed to bob along with the music, or, dare I say, head bang. Unless, the head banging is in a kitschy sort of way, or one is wearing a Wonder Bread t-shirt.
If one applies to the head banging criteria, it is important to make sure that you piss off at least three people. One of these pissed off three people should then go to a message board* that the one head banging frequents and talk about how he or she is a douche bag.
*Note: Before going to the message board, one must first make a screen name to identify one’s self, enclosing the chosen screen name in quotation marks (“____ ”).
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Chapter 5: I Ride the Greyhound Bus (I Ride It Everywhere)
Deck people have 3 modes of transportation: bicycles, automobiles, and mass transit systems.
Bicycles can be rode for purposes other that leisure by everyone from adolescents to people in their late 20s.* A 35-year-old that rides their bike to work every morning and occasionally walks inside his place or her place of employment with his or her helmet still tightly fastened is not deck. Bikes with baskets are deck.
*Note: An exception to this age requirement was my seventh grade social studies teacher, Rufus. Rufus is deck.
Automobiles are another popular way of transportation, though ever risky.
While those of the deck variety tend to favor Volvos, Vespas, and Volkswagens, any car brand that begins with the letter “v” or is not currently popular with the mainstream will do.
When considering a vehicle to purchase, one must make sure that it does not have any “sporty stripes” or extra painted “embellishments” on the sides. These are tacky, and should only appeal to rednecks living in Ypsilanti. Hanging fuzzy dice from your mirror, though slightly tacky, can be hip in a kitschy sort of way. The same thing goes for ironic bumper stickers.
*Note: Vanity plates are a touchy subject with the deck community. Getting a vanity plate that bares an expression like “Baby Gur1” or “No. 1” is generally considered to be pretty fin. So be careful. It’s a harsh world out there.
The last thing you want to do is pull up at your local indie venue in your parent’s mini van, SUV, or Lexus* product, which is why many adolescents opt to use mass transit when available.
*Note: SUVs are only acceptable at concerts featuring jam bands like O.A.R. and Dave Matthews. Jam bands are not deck— therefore, neither are SUVs. Lexus products are only acceptable if your name is Alexis, and even then it is only deck in a kitschy sort of way.
Mass transit can be deck. Choosing to use the bus or subway when you have enough money to own your own car is deck for two reasons: (1) A successful person who opts for mass transit is obviously humble about their success, which is deck. Though bragging about most other things like your knowledge of obscure indie bands and collection of ABBA vinyl can be deck, flaunting one’s success is generally considered to be pretty fin. (2) It gives one the opportunity to show off their deck outfits to those who might not otherwise be exposed to such culture. Smart Bus schedules must be carried with on at all times when one knows that they will be taking the Smart Bus. One must get these schedules from the pamphlet case on the actual Smart Bus. Smart Bus schedules printed off the Smart Bus website are generally pretty fin.
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More to come...
Someday I'll put in the art section.
